Every day should have a laugh. The more the better in my opinion. I am going to take this section and collect the things that make me smile or break into full fledged gales of laughter. I hope you enjoy this area too.
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” The Cajun says, “Dat is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks?
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Cajun.
“Fair enough,” says the boss.
“Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.”
“So, when I start?”
A few weeks back I happened to be watching “The View” ONLY because I had missed Bill O’Reilly skewer Joy Behar and ready her for BBQ. I missed the whole interview with O’Reilly but did see comments from Ms. Behar slice, dice and ginsu Sarah Palin’s clothing while cooing over how well dressed Michelle Obama always was.
My first thought at that moment was “you have got to be kidding” can’t the Obama team get Michelle a really GOOD designer? Of course after Michelle’s first comment and thoughts on how “not proud” of America she was … I could see the logic in keeping her out of focus a bit.
My second though was “thank GOD” Ms. Behar (no fashion diva herself) has no influence on “the fashion industry” in America today.
Then came the Obama acceptance speech with president elect Obama, his 2 beautiful daughters, and the first lady to be. I found myself exclaiming “WHERE DID SHE GET THAT DRESS?” Followed by “who soaked them for that and how much”? Followed by I could have whipped up better than that in my 9th grade sewing class.
As you can see I do a lot of talking to the TV when I am by myself.
The dust had no sooner began to settle when all of a sudden the remake of the Obama family began. He could walk on water and she was the next Jackie Kennedy of fashion. I am not sure about the water thing yet but I can not remember said first lady (yes I am old enough to remember the impeccable Jackie Kennedy) looking like she shopped at the nearest salvation army thrift store.
During the entire campaign I heard NOT one comment on the beautifully dressed Cindy McCain.
Where is the balanced FAIR news coverage today?
Oh I know! there is none.
Apparently the Republican side of the isle considers this kind of stuff trivia … I must admit so do I.
Then the other day an email hit my inbox from a friend. The irony of it all provided me with a more than hardy laugh for the day.
Normally that would have been the end of it but with the other side of the fence obsessing over “this kind of trivia” I felt it only fair to offer perspective from the opposing camp.
I am still wondering if this was an accident or some noted designers sad joke?
It as usual is up to you to decide.
One of the people on Joe the Plumber Forum (Shelly I think) posted this. I laughed so hard tears were running down my cheeks. I think I will set up a section for Funny Things. We all need to have a light hearted chuckle daily. Anyway I wrote Tom Adkins and asked him for permission and he granted it so I am grateful so you enjoy too.
WHITE GUILT IS DEAD
Free at last, free at last!
By Tom Adkins
Look at my fellow conservatives! There they go, glumly shuffling along, depressed by the election aftermath. Not me. I’m virtually euphoric.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not thrilled with America’s flirtation with neo-socialism. But there’s a massive silver lining in those magical clouds that lofted Barack Obama to the Presidency. For today, without a shred of intellectually legitimate opposition, I can loudly proclaim to America: The Era of White Guilt is over.
This seemingly impossible event occurred because the vast majority of white Americans didn’t give a fluff about skin color, and enthusiastically pulled the voting lever for a black man. Not just any black man. A very liberal black man who spent his early career race-hustling banks, praying in a racist church for 20 years, and actively worked with America-hating domestic terrorists. Wow! Some resume! Yet they made Barack Obama their leader. Therefore, as of November 4th, 2008, white guilt is dead.
For over a century, the millstone of white guilt hung around our necks, retribution for slave-owning predecessors. In the 60s, American liberals began yanking that millstone while sticking a fork in the eye of black Americans, exacerbating the racial divide to extort a socialist solution. But if a black man can become President, exactly what significant barrier is left? The election of Barack Obama absolutely destroys the entire validation of liberal white guilt. The dragon is hereby slain.
So today, I’m feeling a little “uppity,” if you will. From this day forward, my tolerance level for having my skin color hustled is now exactly ZERO. And it’s time to clean house. No more Reverend Wright’s “God Damn America,” Al Sharpton’s Church of Perpetual Victimization, or Jesse Jackson’s rainbow racism. Cornell West? You’re a fraud. Go home. All those “black studies” programs that taught kids to hate whitey? You must now thank Whitey. And I want that on the final.
Congressional Black Caucus? Irrelevant. Maxine Waters? Shut up. ACORN? Outlawed. Black Panthers? Go home and pet your kitty. Black separatists? Find another nation that offers better dreams. Go ahead. I’m waiting.
Gangsta rappers? Praise America. Begin with the Pledge of Allegiance. And please, no more ebonics. Speak English, and who knows where you might end up? Oh, yeah, pull up your pants. Your underwear is showing. You look stupid.
Black Fraternities? Seek diversity. Race Card? It’s now the joker. Miss Black America? Get in line with all the other lovely ladies. Reparations? Paid.
To those Eurosnots who forged entire careers hating America? I’m still waiting for the first black French President.
And let me offer an equal opportunity whupping. I’ve always despised lazy white people. Now, I can talk smack about lazy black people. You’re poor because you quit school, did drugs, had three kids with three different fathers, and refuse to work. So when you plop your Colt 45-swilling, Oprah watchin’ butt on the couch and complain “Da Man is keepin’ me down!!!” allow me to inform you: Da Man is now black. You have no excuses.
No more quotas. No more handouts. No more stealing my money because someone’s great-great-great-great grandparents suffered actual pain and misery at the hands of people I have no relation to, and personally revile.
It’s time to toss that massive, obsolete race-hustle machine upon the heap of the other stupid 60s ideas. Drag it over there, by wife swapping, next to dope-smoking. Plenty of room right between free love and cop-killing. Careful, don’t trip on streaking. There ya go, don’t be gentle. Just dump it. Wash your hands. It’s filthy.
In fact, Obama’s ascension created a gargantuan irony. How can you sell class envy and American unfairness when you and your black wife went to Ivy League schools, got high-paying jobs, became millionaires, bought a mansion, and got elected President? How unfair is that??? Now, Like a delicious O’Henry tale, Obama’s spread-the-wealth campaign rendered itself moot by it’s own victory! America is officially a meritocracy. Obama’s election has validated American conservatism!
So, listen carefully … “Wham!!!”
That’s the sound of my foot kicking the door shut on the era of white guilt. The rites have been muttered, the carcass lowered, dirt shoveled, and tombstone erected. White guilt is dead and buried.
However, despite my glee, there’s apparently one small, rabid bastion of American racism remaining. Black Americans voted 96% for Barack Obama. Hmmm. In a color-blind world, shouldn’t that be 50-50? Tonight, every black person should ask forgiveness for their apparent racism and prejudice towards white people. Maybe it’s time to start spreading that guilt around.
Tom Adkins is the founder of CommonConservative.com.
With permission, an edited version of this article appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer Sun Nov 9, 2008